Anger is nothing but attachment for an object when expressed towards an obstacle between ourselves and the object of our attachment. —Swami Chinmayananda

Anger comes because of attachment to something or someone. Attachment gives rise to expectations that others should be and behave in a way that pleases us.

Unfulfilled expectations give rise to anger. The higher the expectations, the greater the anger if they are not fulfilled.

“To be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves,” said my guru, Swami Chinmayananda.

Very often, it’s simply our ego that is hurt. If someone says or does something that we consider insulting and disrespectful, we get angry.

Here are four ways to overcome anger:

#1 Be aware of the anger, pause and choose a higher response

We often blame others for making us angry. But if we really think about it, nothing can “make” us angry.

We allow the anger that is already within us to rise up and express itself.

Outer things and people may provoke those angry feelings in us. But how we deal with the anger is in our hands. We can react immediately with harsh words and actions or, take a moment to pause and diffuse the anger.

If we get angry often, suddenly and quickly, we have to accept that there may be a problem.

To overcome anger, accepting that there is a problem is an important first step. This is because we can’t change what we don’t accept. But when we do, it can transform us.

Once we accept the problem, it pays to question why we get angry.

What are the common triggers? Are our expectations realistic? Even if they are, does being angry solve the problem or worsen it?

Are unresolved stresses and frustrations in an aspect of life spilling over as annoyance, irritation and full-blown anger in our interactions with others?

It also pays to reflect on anger and question whether it serves any useful purpose. When we do, we will realise that anger brings only losses and no benefits.

There is a loss of time, energy, money and peace of mind. It damages our health, ruins relationships, and in the case of people who are caught violating the law prompted by their anger, it can even bring about the loss of privileges and freedom.

Remembering these facts can help us not react in anger.

It helps to stop and ask, “What’s more important—peace of mind or getting angry?”

If we always choose peace, then it becomes easier to stop ourselves from succumbing to anger.

Now, sometimes, the anger is so strong that we can’t overcome it with this method. Or if we are able to subdue the anger for the moment, it may erupt again at another time.

Here are three other long-term solutions that re-shape our character so that we become calmer, more emotionally balanced and are able to overcome anger.

#2 Prayer

When anger storms out and overpowers us, we say and do things we don’t mean or wouldn’t ordinarily do. Respect, civility, and general good behaviour fly out the window.

And when it’s over, regret and misery seep in.

The first thing to do of course is to apologise, ask for forgiveness and make amends. But the inner pain remains.

A beautiful solution to this inner turmoil is prayer. When we sit at our altar, weep and ask forgiveness, we begin to heal. We pray for strength and ability to overcome anger.

Sincere prayer undoubtedly works because we live in a benevolent universe. The divinity inherent in this world is always present and ready to help us and support our inner growth.

Our soul comes with lessons to learn in life. Whenever we genuinely want to learn, drop negative patterns and be better, universal grace comes gushing out to meet us.

The divine is present in all beings, quietly listening and waiting to help. It knows every single thought, our inner motives and behaviour.

When we feel helpless and are overwhelmed by our inability to fix our inner selves, we surrender our personal will to the will of the divine. When we do this, divine grace brings us the strength, knowledge and fortitude to overcome anger.

Sincere prayer and surrender to the divine transforms us from within.

#3 Meditation

Anger is an emotion that begins as thoughts in the mind. The mind is made up of a flow of thoughts which gain their ability and power from our attention.

When we shift our attention away from our thoughts, the emotion is also diffused.

For example, a little child starts to cry because he doesn’t like sitting in the car seat. When his mother distracts his attention away to a toy or song, he calms down.

The situation didn’t change; he’s still in the car seat. But his attention was taken away to something else.

Similarly, when we sit for meditation, the mind starts to think of a hundred and one things. If we pay attention to those thoughts, they gain momentum and start to grow.

But if we shift our attention from the thoughts to being the witness of the thoughts, they lose their source of power and naturally die away.

And so, when anger begins to rise, instead of engaging and accelerating the negative thoughts, we can withdraw mentally and identify with being their witness. When we do that, the anger dissolves.

As we practice focussing on being the witness of our thoughts in meditation, the mind becomes more and more quiet.

This new programming carries over into our everyday life and becomes available for us to use when we need it.

I have found meditation on being the witness an effective and powerful technique to withdraw from my negative thoughts and remain calm. I am better able to see things, people and situations for what they are, and respond rather than react to them.

A regular practice of meditation helps to overcome anger and also other negative emotions.

#4 Overpower anger by cultivating positive qualities

We can overcome anger by cultivating positive qualities of the heart such as love, kindness, compassion, patience, and humility.

We already have all the positive qualities within us to some measure. Some qualities are more developed than others. But no one is devoid of positive qualities.

When we spend some time for daily self-reflection, we become aware of the qualities to nurture.

When we take up a firm resolve to cultivate and practice them in our everyday interactions, they will slowly start to grow and advance our inner maturity. They will gradually become a part of our character.

As this happens, anger will naturally be overpowered and edged out. This is an organic and long-term solution to get rid of anger.

To overcome anger in the moment, the spiritual teachings of the Patanjali Yoga sutras advise us to counter it with the opposite quality.

For example, anger can be sublimated by choosing to remain calm and composed. Instead of cursing the people involved, we could bless them and even go to the extent of being grateful to them for the opportunity they are giving us to learn patience, forbearance and how to overcome anger.

Remember, this solution works only when we have a sincere desire and feeling. Otherwise, we would only be pretending and suppressing the anger.

By earnestly striving to practise calmness when anger arises, we will gradually overwrite our old habits with new ones. This subdues the old tendencies and creates new channels of thought.

Train the mind and overcome anger

When I was growing up, my mother had a gas oven with a small pilot light at the back. It was a continuous flame that ignited the main burners in the oven when she turned it on.

Anger is like that pilot light. It sits hidden within us waiting to fire up when triggered by what we consider an unpleasant experience. And like the fire in an oven, anger burns us up inside and has undesirable consequences outside.

The fact is, we can conquer anger. We can train our minds to not respond in that way to unconducive circumstances and people.

Stopping to pause, question and choose peace is an effective way to diffuse anger in the moment. Regular prayer, meditation and cultivating positive qualities effectively turn off the pilot light and help us overcome anger once and for all.

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